Under the arches of moonlight and sky

Everything's gonna be alright.

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:42:58 GMT

    It kind of makes me sad that I don't get on LJ much anymore. I got on all the time last year. I looked forward to getting online and checking the stories people have updated on. Now, I get on every couple of months. I really need to get back into the habit. Unfortunately, I've said that before. I just wish I could stick to things more often. Hopefully I'll actually be able to stick with this.
    I'm in fifth hour Computer Concepts right now. The Apple computers don't have any blocking systems on them, but they recently added them. Now I can't get on MySpace unless I go through a crappy and slow MySpace unblocker. It's frustrating, but definitely not the end of the world.
    It's Friday and I'm really glad. The weekend is exactly what we need. Evy, Ryan, Alan, and I are going to Ryan's to watch Girl, Interrupted and maybe In the Land of Women, which are both excellent movies. I've only seen the second one once, but I really enjoyed it. Plus, Kristen Stewart's in it. She's a really good actress. I've seen the first one about five times. It's really good as well.
    We're soon going to have to shut down our computers and read. I have Huckleberry Finn in my bag. I'm not really too excited about reading it. I have to for class, though. I'm only on chapter three when we should be on chapter 30. I'm not too sure when I'll get my fucking act together. As if failing a class isn't enough.
    Right now I'm feeling anxious, excited, kind of sleep, and just the need to leave this class in general. I need to go to sixth hour. There's something I have to see. I don't want to dress for gym, but I should, so I'm going to. I'm worried as well.

I am going to break your heart.

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 17:18:09 GMT

So, I woke up about an hour ago. Today is going pretty well so far. That's not really saying much. I'd really like today to be a good day. I want to finish reading Crank, which is amazing so far. I'm about half way through it.
I'm really excited for the new season of Degrassi coming up in about a week. It starts October 10. This season seems very promising. Some of the commercials for the new episodes make me wonder, though. I'm not too sure what's going to happen. Also, there's going to be one final season of South of Nowhere. I'm excited for that as well. Yay for the-n!

She's been waiting twenty years.

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 03:48:31 GMT

    For some strange reason, my brother seems to have gotten off work early. It's extremely annoying considering that he's an asshole. I'm being very serious, too. He asked our mother if he'd like him to kill her. That's the sickest thing he's ever said. And, of course, when I called him on it, he stated that I say the exact same things, which he always says. Half the time he is wrong. It's cruel, sick, and just plain wrong. My mother has always done her best for him and she gets shit back. She's one of the most caring woman that you will ever have the pleasure of meeting.
    So, I am now supposed to get off the computer. I don't really plan on it. However, the more my brother hassles me, the more pissed off we'll both get. When he becomes more pissed, he treats me even shittier, and when I become pissed, I just feel even shittier. Incidentally, he doesn't care. My mood bounces around all day and the last thing I really need is to go to bed in a bad mood. I just wish my brother could get it through his head that he's not my father, he shouldn't treat anyone the way he does, he's really not superior, he doesn't really have it that hard, and he should comparing his hardships to others, making them out to be worse.
    Sadness is an emotion that's natural. I get that, I really do. He's just really doesn't need me to feel it more often. I'm a bit of a depressed girl as it is. You'd think that someone like my brother, who dealt with depression and cutting, could cut someone some slack. It's like he takes all his hatred out on everyone around him instead of himself or something. I don't really know.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 05:07:59 GMT

I really shouldn't even be signed in, let alone on this computer. However, I felt the urge to post something. I watched an incredibly good movie tonight. It was titled "The Shawshank Redemption". I really couldn't help but be captured in it. It was originally a story by Stephen King. Incidentally, it was a short story. Ironic considering the movie was over two hours long. Never a dull moment, though. Truly.
Now, I am quite tired. I really need to go to bed. I'll get about five hours. Good news is we have no hot water. I'll be awake, tea aside. Now, please note my sarcasm. It's a cruel thing. Night, muffins.

It's about time!

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 18:26:27 GMT

It took me quite some time to, but I finally finished. I've been engrossed in editing my journal for probably over an hour. I had the idea in my head, but I was having difficulty making it happen. It's not what I originally was planning to do, but it'll suffice. At least for several weeks.

I discovered, with the help of a friend, a new band today. They're called The Candy Spooky Theater. The name says it all. They're very interesting, and sound how a theater would sound if it was spooky and/or candy. Yes, indeed.

Hate is pouring from such a pretty mouth.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:53:34 GMT

Transforming into such an ugly mouth.

Hey, you know.

She knows the truth about you.

So, you know.

She's really better off without you.

    Linda Strawberry is definitely an amazing musician. I really like her music. Her style is unique, and she has an amazing voice. It makes me smile when I hear her sing such lower notes. I've been listening to her music a lot lately.
    So, I kind of suck. I haven't posted anything in over a month. Although I doubt anyone actually reads these posts, I still wish I could post here more often. For a while, though, I wasn't even getting on LiveJournal, which isn't like me. I felt as if I didn't have time for all the things I used to enjoy. Just YouTube, Yahoo! e-mail, and MySpace. How boring, right? I'm getting back on track.
    My distractions were caused by summer school and the school summer theater program. I'm always at the fucking school. Gack. Some summer vacation. Thankfully, those two things end this week, thankfully. However, I have a lot of homework to do for summer school, and our theater performance is this Friday. I'm nervous about both to be quite honest. I'm hoping to do well with both.
    I, unfortunately, haven't been able to read much lately. I've started about four books, and I haven't finished any. I began rereading Twilight, but once I got to the whole part where Bella goes into hiding, I stopped reading. I read bits and pieces of Eclipse as well. I started Tropic of Caner again. Literally the third time I've tried to read that fucking book. It isn't bad, I just keep getting these freaking distractions. Then there's The Host, Lolita, and Boy Meets Boy. I'm going to wait for The Host, but I'm really trying to read the other two. I just got Boy Meets Boy, and I think it'll be a fairly quick read, which is definitely good.
    I think that I've typed up enough for now. I feel like reading now. Ha. So, farewell!

Exam day.

Mon, 19 May 2008 14:00:26 GMT

    So, today is the first day of exams. I have them in all four classes. That's no fun. I haven't posted anything in like, 3 weeks. At least, that's what LJ tells me. Not much has happened. Yesterday was graduation for the seniors. I don't think I'll be that sad until I realize, hey, they're actually gone.
    There's a half hour left of this class. I knew this one would be easy. I'm not exactly sure what to do for the next half hour. It's not like at my house. I can't grab my headphones and listen to music. I wish. Man, do I wish.
    Next hour is Health. That should be easy enough. Hopefully it's not too long or hard. That would be totally lame. Mr. Eads is cool about stuff like that, so I don't really think I have to worry.
    Betty's graduation party was Saturday and I got a bit sunburned. I keep scratching at it and it kind of hurts. Blah blah. It was fun, though. A bunch of us laid out on the grass. It was a total hippie moment. Yay! I wanted to fall asleep.
    I don't really think there's much else too talk about. I guess I'll wrap this up pretty quickly after mentioning a few things.
    1) This depression has yet to die away.
    2) I'm still not doing so hot in classes and I'll definitely be in summer school.
    3) I need a job.
    4) I'm going to get my license in the beginning of next month. So excited.
    5) I wrote two poems Saturday.
    I think that's all. I'll write later if anything else comes to mind. Ta ta for now.

Never ever let me go.

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:49:11 GMT

    Wow, so today was a really crappy day. My brother and I got into a real bad argument. He makes me so upset that I actually think about just ending it. The thing is that I'm totally serious. I just can't deal with his bull all the time. There's no way around it either.
    I did a bit of reading today. I wanted to finish a book, but I haven't yet. Hopefully I will tomorrow. Today doesn't even feel like a Friday. I kept thinking it was Saturday. I almost wish I would've had school today, but in the long run I'm glad that we didn't.
    I haven't really had a new entry lately and there's just not much going on right now in my life to talk about. If it were any day I might, but just not today. I guess I'll end this. I'm tired and I might get off soon. I want to talk to a friend over the net, but no one seems to be online. It's okay, though.

How's your new boy?

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 03:14:53 GMT

    Earlier today I started writing an actual story. I haven't written one in such a while so it was kind of exciting. It never occurred to me to write about something like this. I don't know if I'll let anyone aside from my teacher read it and possibly critique it. I just don't want someone else's opinion to steer me away from the direction I'm my story is heading in. That's really the only thing I fear. I might after one chapter though. I don't have much started, but that's okay.
    I got a 4 (B) today in driving. A lot better since last time. That made me happy. Today was overall a good day. Some problems here and there, but that's just to be expected. Also, I did my homework. It's kind of late so I'm thinking about going to bed pretty soon.
    Good day and good night.

La da da da.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:35:55 GMT

    It's kind of funny in a way how I mentioned that I was "okay" in my last entry. That was last night, and afterwards, things were anything but okay. After a while it wore off, but things actually worsened. All my problems just kind of hit me. One big realization. I'm feeling a bit better this morning though.
   I'm off to school in a few minutes so this isn't going to be very long. I just felt that I had to type out my feelings a bit so that maybe I can better understand them. Sometimes my life feels like a story and with each entry there's a new scene that someone can read. I don't have any shame so I keep these public. It doesn't bother me. Unfortunately, though, I need to end this. I may not have gotten everything out, but it's okay.
    I'm gone.

Oh, love me dead.

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:42:27 GMT

    I really am okay. I'm thankful for that, too. I talked to the guidance counselor yesterday. We talked about my grades and how the depression caused them to slip. We also talked about Algebra, which is currently an F, and how if I can't get it up I might be attending summer school. I've never done that and I don't want to. I'm not a stupid student. I'm just someone being held back by problems I can't talk about either because they're too personal or I haven't a clue of what the hell is going on. It's not fair, but I can't change the rules of this life. I can only hope to make it better. We took the test for Chapter 9 in Algebra. I'll probably fail the test, but next chapter I'm going to do the homework and takes the notes. Honestly, I will. I've said this two chapters in a row and haven't. Now is my chance to change my life a bit. I'm just really hoping that it's not too late. Luckily I only need 3 years in math, so I don't have to worry too much about graduating late. I refuse to do that.
    I haven't really felt depression too much lately. Am I numb? I don't know. I can feel happiness, thankfully, so I guess I'm not completely numb at least. I think it's kind of like drinking and after a while the hangover will hit me suddenly when I wake up. I'm afraid there might not be enough Tylenol to get rid of this wretched thing. I just can't see me waiting everything out. Each time things are worse. There's only so much I can take.
    I've been feeling a bit artistic lately. Writing seems to be temping me the most. I've missed my poems, especially the easy come ones.
    Seriously, next month is the last month of school. I think I can get this quarter grade up, but I have an F first quarter. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm becoming irritable and I just kind of want to lash out on myself and others. Maybe even crawl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. This cloud just won't go away. It's killing me and I want it to fucking dissipate. I just don't see it going, though. I'm not the biggest fan of changes that I can't control. Just go away.

Silly Circumstances.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:16:17 GMT

It’s terribly cold today.
The glances are dampening her weary eyes.
She blinks to redeem herself
But her troublesome actions leek anyway.

Being confused would be putting it lightly.
She doesn’t have a clue in the world.
Maybe dropping out early wasn’t so bright.
There were no great expectations.

No one looks up when she whimpers.
It was an accident nonetheless.
Her shame still covers her face.
Perhaps nothing really matters anymore.

Her faith has been lost completely.
Oh Lord, what faith?
Something can’t possibly be lost
When it wasn’t there in the beginning.

Each day brings more and more advice.
None is taken too seriously.
Every mistake just seems too natural.
How does one break such ferocious habits?

She shakes and shakes
Then wastes more money on coffee.
Maybe tomorrow she’ll cut back
And maybe her prayers will be answered.

I'll come back to haunt you if I drown.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:20:04 GMT

Yesterday was the day for Each Hour. I participated as much as I could. However, halfway through it, my brother came home from work and was stubborn and wouldn't do it. He had to have two lights on. I did the best I could, though. They just wouldn't believe me when I said that every little bit helps. Oh well, I guess.

Today is the last day of spring break. Of course I've put my homework off until today. It's okay. I'll get it done. I'm just kind of upset to go back. I'm sure people are still immature and rude. There's just too many rags who I don't want to deal with. Only two more months left of school, though. That's something to look forward to.

Hmm.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 18:15:46 GMT

You know, I haven't posted a entry here in forever. I should start to make it a habit. Maybe I won't be as frustrated if I were to just get out my freaking emotions from time to time in a positive way. Haha. Anyway, I find it rather odd how all of a sudden TWLOHA is really popular. What's taken everyone so long to realize how amazing it is? And why does everyone even think it's amazing? I do like it, but I wonder what everyone else's reasons are. It irks me when people who are all, "We need to stop being rude and cruel to people. Love is the movement!" and then they go and make fun of someone. How hypocritical can you get? Ugh.

I really dislike emotional roller coasters. I just can't take them sometimes. Everything gets to be way too much and all I want to do is crawl under a rock and sleep away the rest of my life.

On a brighter note, I do have Pretty. Odd. to listen to and wipe away my sorrows. I'm not sure if it's that easy from time to time. It does put a smile on my face. They accomplished that. *claps* Well done.

I feel like ending this with a quote from the amazing book I'm reading at the moment entitled "Blind Faith".

"Maybe the world would be a saner place if music were a religion. Or if art were a religion."

It's Not Pleasant, But We Deal

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 18:28:10 GMT

Title: It's Not Pleasant, But We Deal
Author: donottestme
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Third Person
Summary: "Ryan, it'll be okay. I promise. I know you feel a bit broken, but this feeling will pass."
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Nor do I own title. Both belong to Panic! At the Disco.
Author Notes: This is, in fact, my first story. This is also a standalone. Please don't pass it up for any one of those reasons.

Ryan's shaking body was pressed up against the wall, slowly sliding to the ground. His hand was clutching his t-shirt, the part covering his chest. He had tried so hard to not show any emotion towards the situation. However, he couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. With the first sob escaping his lips, all emotion poured out of his fragile body. Although a week isn't a long period of time, it can feel like a decade when suppressing feelings that are just ready to combust.

**

"Rise and shine, sunshine!" A very chirpy Brendon said. He had let himself into the guitarist's home, clearly missing any contact from him that hadn't occurred that week. Once he opened the blinds to Ryan's room, his eyes fell upon Ryan; still pressed against the wall, only laying on his side, sleeping with his knees pressed against his chest. "Ryan?" Brendon tried.

Only thing Ryan could process at the moment was how bright both the room and Brendon were. Too bright. He shook his head as he continuously fell in and out of his slumber.

Brendon sat down in front of Ryan's partially sleeping figure Indian style. "Ry, wake up, hon." His fingers slowly laced with ones similar to his; calloused. Only, Ryan's were worse but still felt better than cotton.

"Go away." Ryan mumbled, his voice hoarse from crying.

"Oh," Brendon started, understanding the situation better. "Sit up, Ry. Let me see you."

Ryan mumbled something incoherently before sitting up and facing Brendon, back against the wall. Not even his bangs could cover up enough of his reddish eyes.

"Why didn't you call me?" Brendon inquired several seconds later.

After attempting and barely just clearing his dry throat, Ryan spoke. "I couldn't even form words." He allowed his other hand to be connected with Brendon's, his palm engulfing Ryan's. "You would've tried to calm and stop me."

"You're right." Brendon agreed. "But I'm not entirely sure if falling asleep in a fetal position on the ground is good for your body." Brendon paused for a moment, his voice changing from sarcasm to sympathy. "You must be aching."

Ryan could only nod and stare at their hands. He sniffed, nose still partially clogged from the earlier hysterics.

"Want some cereal?" Brendon asked Ryan sweetly. He looked up, catching Brendon's gaze, only able to nod. Their hands parted as Brendon and Ryan both got up. Not a moment later Brendon had once again grasped Ryan's hand, leading him to the kitchen as if he didn't know the way. "Sit." Brendon said to Ryan, going to make both of the boys a bowl of cereal after placing a kiss on his slightly blotchy cheek. Ryan obliged by sitting down.

Brendon returned to the table with two bowls of cereal. Ryan started on his realizing just how hungry he was. A smirk played on Brendon's lips as they ate in silence.

**

The two musicians spent their afternoon on Ryan's living room couch, watching a marathon of Mind of Mencia. Ryan had his head laying on Brendon's lap, his hair constantly being combed by Brendon's fingers. Ryan would only slightly giggle at something funny Carlos said. Every time Brendon heard that little bit of noise, a big grin was plastered across his face. However, once the time reached 4:00 PM, the marathon had ended and gave way to a movie neither one of the boys found remotely funny. Brendon hit mute causing Ryan to turn on his back with his eyes closed. He let out a sigh.

"Now what do you want to do?" Brendon pondered.

The older boy's eyes opened and connected with those of the younger boy. He let out another comfortable sigh. "Shower."

**

It had been around an hour when Ryan's nose led him into the kitchen, clean and hungry. The smell could only be identified as food at the moment, his senses not working well enough to give him more details.

As he set foot in the kitchen, Brendon's eyes lifted from the stove and observed Ryan's figure. "Hey. Are you hungry?" He asked, pointing to a pot of cooking rice. Herb and butter; a favorite of Ryan's.

Ryan smiled and walked over to Brendon's body, snaking his arms around Brendon's waist and giving him a hug from behind. The muffled words "thank you" escaped his lips and into the other boy's ears.

Brendon turned his body around and looked at Ryan. "No problem." After smiling sweetly and placing a kiss upon Ryan's nose, Brendon turned around, stirred the rice for a few seconds before placing some of the contents into bowls for each of them.

He handed a bowl to Ryan, gesturing towards the table. Ryan agreed and they both sat down at the table for the second time that day.

"How do you know exactly just what to do?" Ryan asked after a moment.

"I don't know exactly what to do."

Ryan chuckled a bit. "Could've fooled me. You've made me.. so much happier then I have been this week." He looked down for a moment before locking eyes with the dark eyed boy. "I'm sorry for not talking to you at all. It killed me to be alone, but I just had to be."

Brendon placed his hand on top of Ryan's. "Don't apologize. Although I don't entirely know how you feel, I still understand. Whatever you need I want you to have if at all possible."

"I don't even know what I want or need or whatever."

"That's okay."

All Ryan could do was look down at his rice. He felt silly for being so confused. The confusion just added to the frustration causing him to be angry. These emotions were getting the best of him and he didn't know what to do. Ryan sighed out of frustration. Brendon began rubbing his thumb over the scrawny boys index finger.

"I hate being so emotional." Ryan admitted.

"You just need to relax."

"Relax from what? I've done nothing all day. God," He paused and sniffled a little. His first priority at the moment was to will himself not to start crying. "This was not how I wanted to go about it. I don't like being a complete mess, Brendon." The first tear fell from his eyes and onto his own lap.

"Ryan, please. Don't get all worked up. Holding in all those emotions was a bad idea."

"I know. But, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I've never lost anyone before. And God, it hurt so badly. It does still."

Brendon felt his chest constrict a little bit. He loved Ryan and seeing him so confused, hurt, and sad wasn't on his to-do list. He grabbed the guitarist and pulled him onto his lap, stroking his back. Ryan rested his head on Brendon's shoulder and began to pour out more emotion. Although he hated crying in front of anyone at all, it was okay with Brendon. Brendon knew how to hold and kiss him.

"It's okay Ryan. Let it out. I love you, hon." Brendon whispered, just loud enough for Ryan to hear.

Ryan choked on a sob and nodded his head. "I love you, too."

After Ryan had finished his sentence, Brendon tightened the arm he had around Ryan's waist. Ryan was unfortunately broken. The fortunate thing was that he could easily be fixed over time. Brendon was the only one who could make him feel better. Spencer was his best friend, but Brendon was his lover. The love for Spencer was completely different. Only Brendon knew what to say and what to do. He's had experience from all the times before when Ryan needed love and comfort.

"I guess-I guess that I just never wanted to-" Ryan pulled his face away for a moment. "I never wanted to admit that he could die because of it."

"Ryan, it'll be okay. I promise. I know you feel a bit broken, but this feeling will pass."

"Don't ever leave me like that, Brendon." Ryan's face was pressed against Brendon's neck. "Don't ever drink like that. Please."

Brendon nodded his head slowly. He could never go against Ryan's wishes. If Ryan wanted him to not drink, he wouldn't. It was a lot easier than most people thought. They both vowed to each other that they wouldn't do something if it was a soft spot for the other. Drinking was definitely a soft spot for Ryan after his father had died. Brendon knew that if he ever did drink like that, Ryan wouldn't be able to be fixed that time. Not by Brendon's touch or anyone. He would forever be broken and Brendon wouldn't be able to survive knowing that. That's why it was easy to keep Ryan's wish.

Blah.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 13:48:26 GMT

I haven't typed anything on here since August. It's now September. My habits just keep worsening. I'll just have to fix that.

I'm in school right now. Apparently LiveJournal is blocked, but I don't see why. I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, all I'm doing is expressing myself in a journal type something. It's healthy and sufficient. Anyway, so school's been okay. Except I have to read about 200 pages of a book and make a power point on it. That might be a little difficult. I'm just praying that the assignment isn't due until sometime in the middle of next week. That way I can finish it up this week and work on my project Monday and Tuesday. I'm praying for the best.

Chorus has been amazing. Being a Soprano isn't that bad. It's really helping my falsetto singing voice. Plus, now we're actually focusing on learning to read actual music; great since the school wouldn't allow me to do band. This year isn't turning out to be so bad.

I'm not sure exactly how my grades all are, but I must be passing otherwise I'd be ineligible for the school fall play, which will be amazing. I was failing Biology due to stupid quiz's, but am now passing with a C+, which I'm sure will improve soon enough.

English isn't what I necessarily expected. Mrs. Baney's awesome, but I'm just not enjoying her class as much as Mrs. O. I'll just have to make due with what I can. We've been working on essays and reading lately. Not very English-y.

Algebra is a cinch. We took a quiz yesterday and I'm confident that I passed it. I'll find out next hour.

Right now I'm in Word Processing II. It's quite easy but rewarding. It's helping my typing and computer skills. That's always great considering I use the computer quite often.

Driver's E.D. is one of my more stressful classes. I have a few projects due next week. I'll check that out tonight, if I remember. I'll write myself a note. I'm passing with an A in a class full of idiots, so that's good. Next quarter we don't even do anything.

By the way, in Chorus we're allowed to bring CDs for him to listen to and, if approved by him, we can listen to them in class. Only one song per day and they can't have cussing in them. That's okay though. Despite popular belief, I listen to more than one kind of genre, so again that's easy. It's kind of ironic. I had been thinking that we should do this a little before he started doing it. I didn't even mention it to him.

Well, we only have about 10 minutes left of class and I think I've definitely typed a lot for now, so I'll fare you well.

Oh wait! Fall play. Let me just type a few words about that. It's called "The Grimm Brother's Spectaculathon" I believe. It's hilarious and perverted. What's not to like? Haha. I'm very excited for it. I don't have a huge part, but at least I have one. I could have been one of those people who got kicked. Anyway, now I really am going to end this now.

Sad, sad tears.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 23:16:11 GMT

I am, in fact, crying at this very moment. My fucking school isn't allowing me to take band. I'm fucked. That's ruining everything. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?! I don't know. I don't give a shit about Biology. Music is my life. I'm not going to be a goddamn science teacher. So much for band camp.

Thanks a lot.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 22:48:48 GMT

     Isn't it real funny how my parents go out for like 10 minutes and when they get back, my dad totally kills my attitude? Real nice. Whatever. He doesn't even care. All he cares about his taking his freaking nap. I really hate being in a pissy mood because that's not really who I am. However, I sometimes have the tendency to be very moody. Well, my moods can easily be switched around.

    Although it sucks, I can't really control it. Whenever it happens, though, it's like everyone's a fucking idiot and I hate them all. All I want is my blearing music and something for me to rant on. This time around, I'm using LiveJournal. Feel so fucking special.

    Trying to not sound like a total bitch, my brother doesn't get off work until 10 PM and is going to bed afterwards, so I get to stay on until 3 AM. I'm actually really happy because I haven't done that in forever. Plus, I wake up at 8 AM, so that'll only give me 5 hours of sleep. For some reason, I like getting less sleep.

    Time for some more ranting again. Honestly, I'm not sure what my dad's problem is. It's not like I even said anything to him. One time today before he said something crude to me, all I did was say "Hi" and wave at him. So horrible of me, right? Uh huh.

    Whatever, though. I'm not going to dwell too much on it. I'll try to get around this stupid move now. Grrness. I hope I can achieve this. Whatever, I'll just torture everyone with a cold shoulder and bitchy attitude. That's always fun.

Trying.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:00:42 GMT

    Last night was a very trying night. The moods ranged from happiness, remorse, confusion, and terror. I'm not going to get very in dept with what happened, only really because I have friends on LiveJournal and I don't want them to read it. Not that I don't trust them, I just don't want them to know. I'll save that for my notebook.

    I feel pretty exhausted. A nap sounds beautiful but I really don't want to be up all night. Instead, I'll just listen to Evanescence and push through the rest of the day. Not much a struggle considering I'm on the computer, obviously.

    All that I've accomplished today is a shower and writing a poem. Not one of my best, but it's a little different and I put feeling into it, so that's all that matters. Honestly, I'm only really posting this because I'm bored, feeling creative, and trying to express myself without too much information being poured out. It's tricky but I think I've gotten the hang of it.

    This seems to just be dragging on, so I think I might end this rather quickly. Perhaps I'll post another journal today. That's not a promise. It's more like a suggestion.

Day after party.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 19:04:16 GMT

    The party was actually really, really fun I thought. There was only about seven people there the whole time. Four other people came for like a few minutes and then left. The people who stayed the whole time was Lauren, Evy, Jess, Nathan, the Stoner brothers, and myself, obviously. I've realized that I'm a pretty huge flirt. Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm not in a commitment (unfortunately) with anyone, so it's not like I'm doing anything wrong. I just really like to poke people.

    We got the hose and everyone got soaked in their clothes. I wasn't going to but I decided to just have a bunch of fun. Which I did, by the way. Jess was wearing lipstick and kissing Evy and I on the lips. Also she was kissing everyone on the face. It was fun and everyone was covered in kiss marks. It was great.

    Tag was a lot of fun. For more than the actual game. However, I won't get into that. A bit of personal stuff. Anyways, I'm glad I went because I had a major hoot. After everyone had left, except for Evy and I, the three of us decided to watch the movie Jawbreaker and try to point out Marilyn Manson. I was so the first one to find him. Mostly because I rock.

A brand new day.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 18:21:14 GMT

    Well, yes, it's a brand new day. Isn't that just grand? Sometimes it can be. Today hasn't been horrible nor has it been great so I'm truly kind of enjoying today. It's only 1:05 PM so I have much more to experience before the day is done.

    Today is my friend Lauren's birthday party. She turns 18 tomorrow but she'll be at her college for freshman orientation I think. I'm not entirely thrilled about going, but I'm supplying the music so I know that part of it won't suck. Plus, two of my real good friends are going. One of them, Jess, I haven't hung out with in a very long time and her company will be quite spectacular. Evy, the other one, and I have hung out a bunch this summer. However, her company never gets old. We share so many inside jokes and are just both fucking insane, especially together, that hanging together is always a hoot.

    It's not going to be a crazy, full of dozens of people kind of party. I think the most of people going to be there is probably going to be perhaps eight. If even that. Some people may come, some may not. Either way, I don't think it'll be too horribly boring. Music plus friends I actually like together in one spot makes for a great time. However, sometimes Lauren really can have stick up her ass and be rude and bossy. It's annoying but what can I do, honestly?

    LiveJournal is becoming a home for me. Although I'm positive that no one else actually reads these journals except for myself, it doesn't bother me. I'm still getting my thoughts and ideas out before I forget them. Lately I love journals anyways so this just keeps getting better and better. I haven't written in m notebook journal thingy in a while. Mental note: Write in notebook journal thingy tonight before going off to that beautiful slumber land.

    My mother just walked into the living room seemingly upset. I'm not entirely sure but I heard her say something like, "They couldn't get me in" so I'm guessing she called the doctors about her stomach. It's been swollen and she's always in pain. I made her promise me that she'd call and make an appointment before it gets too bad and possibly need hospital help. I'm just hoping that doesn't occur. She's now speaking with my father in his bedroom. My brother needs a ride to work and my dad doesn't want to give him one.

    I'm still craving that cold winter weather. It's almost always on my mind. Especially when I'm outside parading around in this scorching weather. One of the best feelings in the world is being extremely cold, then walking inside your home and wrapping yourself up in a blanket, becoming warm again. I've always really loved that feeling. That's something that will never change I think.

Been a while.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 22:14:39 GMT

    So, it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I mean, I'm on LiveJournal a lot, I just don't post journals a lot. I'm mostly on Slash! At the Disco. ^_^ Love that "group" or whatever it is. Listening to new music is really great. Like, I don't mean new music like it's brand new. I mean listening to something that you've never listened to. Lately I've been doing that a lot and it's really a great thing. Yes indeed.

    My sister Keely, whom I haven't seen in probably a decade, might be coming down to Illinois all the way from Missouri! I'd love to see her. It's been so long that I can't remember how she sounds anymore. As sad as that may be on my part, I was only probably 5 years old the last time I was in her her presence. It's kind of impossible for me to ever actually even remember her. Tricky concept? I think not. It's easy to understand. Go 10 years without speaking to someone and you might understand.

    This is a bit of a random comment, but I miss Davey Havok's long black pretty hair. I know it's been cut into that funky hair style for a while, but it's never really grown on me. It just doesn't strike me as Davey. There isn't much I can do about it. His decision is his decision. Plus, it's already happened.

    Summer isn't my thing. I honestly miss winter and/or fall. The feeling of cold wind blowing through my hair and me snuggling deeper within my hoodie is a craving that won't die down. There's only one way to fix that and so I must be patient. Summer's only begun and I have much time to wait until I can feel that once again. All I can do is make do with scorching heat.

    This is all for now. I've typed up a bunch, kind of at least, and I'll be on my way. Mind you I'll stay on LiveJournal, just not posting any journals. I'm not the type of person to update every time I take a breath. It's not necessary so why should I? I can't possibly change that much in mere moments, can I?

Blah blah.

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 23:39:37 GMT

So today hasn't been too interesting. I've been writing a lot in my "journal" notebook thingy. That's what I'm calling it now. Hm, mental note: write on cover of notebook. xD Lol. Anyways, I'm currently obsessed, partially, again with "Mad World", both versions by Tears For Fears and Gary Jules. They both rock. Tears For Fears reminds me of Madonna (or 80's music) and it makes me smile. Some 80's and 90's music was similar so, because the 90's child I am, they definitely catch my attention. Honestly? I could so see me being a big fan of theirs. Who knows? I'm once again on a quest to read music. During this year in school, Sophomore, I might join band if my teacher will teach me to read music. That's mostly the things stopping me. I can follow along with, when it comes to a piano at least, but I cannot distinguish what the note is. However, my brother's girlfriend Sammie taught me which line, depending on which "Clef" or whatever it was, that each line and/or space represented.

A Bass Clef kind of looks like this: ):, then a Treble Clef sort of looks like this &. Not the greatest examples but you get my drift, right? Well, it doesn't matter. I'm typing this out for my own reference. You want to follow along? Dandy. Mmkay, back to business. For a Treble Clef, each line, going from bottom to top is E, F, G, A, B, C, D, E. Then the spaces are F, A, C, E. Then for a Bass Clef it's, for lines, G, B, D, F, A. Then for spaces it's A, C, E, A. Mmkay, just so I don't ever forget about this site: http://library.thinkquest.org/15413/theory/note-reading.htm . Yeah, so, hopefully I don't forget this. Mmkay, well, I'm probably going to end this rather soon. Pretty long and such, huh? Yeppers. You know it.

Writing. =]

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 19:07:35 GMT

I absolutely enjoy writing. I think it's the most exciting thing. You can get some much emotion out of your soul with it. Anything you have on your mind can be displayed in a simple poem or song. If I couldn't write I'd be lost or if I never did I would be. When I'm going through a shitty time, I display my problems out in a work of words that I just happened to string together just right (or at least attempted and tried). Then I can go over them and try to make actual sense out of them.

And it's not even that you have to write about something so serious. Sometimes my mind is full of ideas and I love writing them down and creating poems, songs, short stories, or almost full length stories. It's also great when you actually put feeling into what you write.

Many people find it annoying that you actually sometimes have to write essays or something that takes thinking in school. I welcome it with open arms, I truly do! It excites me also when I'm told to write something that I get to base some opinion on. However, it's just as good to learn about something new and explain it in words you enjoy using.

Well, that's all I really wanted to explain. Hopefully this will inspire you to write a little bit. Trust me, it's not that hard. It doesn't even have to be good.

=]

Blah.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 03:34:48 GMT

I'm not in the best of mood. Probably doesn't help that I've listened to "Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks" a lot today. However, it's the demo version. I think it sounds better. Anyways, it just makes me a bit depressed. Also I was reading a depressing story. It started to get happy, but I couldn't read it anymore. I feel sort of stupid. People are going through worse stuff then this but yet I'm complaining about this. Whatever, it'll be fine. I know that for a fact. But sometimes a reassurance can help, y'know? Yeah. Well, this is kind of a stupid entry now that I think about it. But I do feel a little bit better and that's what counts.=]