| It's Not Pleasant, But We Deal |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|01:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Farewell Night - Let go of your Fear... | ] |
Title: It's Not Pleasant, But We Deal
Author: donottestme
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Third Person
Summary: "Ryan, it'll be okay. I promise. I know you feel a bit broken, but this feeling will pass."
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. Nor do I own title. Both belong to Panic! At the Disco.
Author Notes: This is, in fact, my first story. This is also a standalone. Please don't pass it up for any one of those reasons.
Ryan's shaking body was pressed up against the wall, slowly sliding to the ground. His hand was clutching his t-shirt, the part covering his chest. He had tried so hard to not show any emotion towards the situation. However, he couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. With the first sob escaping his lips, all emotion poured out of his fragile body. Although a week isn't a long period of time, it can feel like a decade when suppressing feelings that are just ready to combust.
**
"Rise and shine, sunshine!" A very chirpy Brendon said. He had let himself into the guitarist's home, clearly missing any contact from him that hadn't occurred that week. Once he opened the blinds to Ryan's room, his eyes fell upon Ryan; still pressed against the wall, only laying on his side, sleeping with his knees pressed against his chest. "Ryan?" Brendon tried.
Only thing Ryan could process at the moment was how bright both the room and Brendon were. Too bright. He shook his head as he continuously fell in and out of his slumber.
Brendon sat down in front of Ryan's partially sleeping figure Indian style. "Ry, wake up, hon." His fingers slowly laced with ones similar to his; calloused. Only, Ryan's were worse but still felt better than cotton.
"Go away." Ryan mumbled, his voice hoarse from crying.
"Oh," Brendon started, understanding the situation better. "Sit up, Ry. Let me see you."
Ryan mumbled something incoherently before sitting up and facing Brendon, back against the wall. Not even his bangs could cover up enough of his reddish eyes.
"Why didn't you call me?" Brendon inquired several seconds later.
After attempting and barely just clearing his dry throat, Ryan spoke. "I couldn't even form words." He allowed his other hand to be connected with Brendon's, his palm engulfing Ryan's. "You would've tried to calm and stop me."
"You're right." Brendon agreed. "But I'm not entirely sure if falling asleep in a fetal position on the ground is good for your body." Brendon paused for a moment, his voice changing from sarcasm to sympathy. "You must be aching."
Ryan could only nod and stare at their hands. He sniffed, nose still partially clogged from the earlier hysterics.
"Want some cereal?" Brendon asked Ryan sweetly. He looked up, catching Brendon's gaze, only able to nod. Their hands parted as Brendon and Ryan both got up. Not a moment later Brendon had once again grasped Ryan's hand, leading him to the kitchen as if he didn't know the way. "Sit." Brendon said to Ryan, going to make both of the boys a bowl of cereal after placing a kiss on his slightly blotchy cheek. Ryan obliged by sitting down.
Brendon returned to the table with two bowls of cereal. Ryan started on his realizing just how hungry he was. A smirk played on Brendon's lips as they ate in silence.
**
The two musicians spent their afternoon on Ryan's living room couch, watching a marathon of Mind of Mencia. Ryan had his head laying on Brendon's lap, his hair constantly being combed by Brendon's fingers. Ryan would only slightly giggle at something funny Carlos said. Every time Brendon heard that little bit of noise, a big grin was plastered across his face. However, once the time reached 4:00 PM, the marathon had ended and gave way to a movie neither one of the boys found remotely funny. Brendon hit mute causing Ryan to turn on his back with his eyes closed. He let out a sigh.
"Now what do you want to do?" Brendon pondered.
The older boy's eyes opened and connected with those of the younger boy. He let out another comfortable sigh. "Shower."
**
It had been around an hour when Ryan's nose led him into the kitchen, clean and hungry. The smell could only be identified as food at the moment, his senses not working well enough to give him more details.
As he set foot in the kitchen, Brendon's eyes lifted from the stove and observed Ryan's figure. "Hey. Are you hungry?" He asked, pointing to a pot of cooking rice. Herb and butter; a favorite of Ryan's.
Ryan smiled and walked over to Brendon's body, snaking his arms around Brendon's waist and giving him a hug from behind. The muffled words "thank you" escaped his lips and into the other boy's ears.
Brendon turned his body around and looked at Ryan. "No problem." After smiling sweetly and placing a kiss upon Ryan's nose, Brendon turned around, stirred the rice for a few seconds before placing some of the contents into bowls for each of them.
He handed a bowl to Ryan, gesturing towards the table. Ryan agreed and they both sat down at the table for the second time that day.
"How do you know exactly just what to do?" Ryan asked after a moment.
"I don't know exactly what to do."
Ryan chuckled a bit. "Could've fooled me. You've made me.. so much happier then I have been this week." He looked down for a moment before locking eyes with the dark eyed boy. "I'm sorry for not talking to you at all. It killed me to be alone, but I just had to be."
Brendon placed his hand on top of Ryan's. "Don't apologize. Although I don't entirely know how you feel, I still understand. Whatever you need I want you to have if at all possible."
"I don't even know what I want or need or whatever."
"That's okay."
All Ryan could do was look down at his rice. He felt silly for being so confused. The confusion just added to the frustration causing him to be angry. These emotions were getting the best of him and he didn't know what to do. Ryan sighed out of frustration. Brendon began rubbing his thumb over the scrawny boys index finger.
"I hate being so emotional." Ryan admitted.
"You just need to relax."
"Relax from what? I've done nothing all day. God," He paused and sniffled a little. His first priority at the moment was to will himself not to start crying. "This was not how I wanted to go about it. I don't like being a complete mess, Brendon." The first tear fell from his eyes and onto his own lap.
"Ryan, please. Don't get all worked up. Holding in all those emotions was a bad idea."
"I know. But, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I've never lost anyone before. And God, it hurt so badly. It does still."
Brendon felt his chest constrict a little bit. He loved Ryan and seeing him so confused, hurt, and sad wasn't on his to-do list. He grabbed the guitarist and pulled him onto his lap, stroking his back. Ryan rested his head on Brendon's shoulder and began to pour out more emotion. Although he hated crying in front of anyone at all, it was okay with Brendon. Brendon knew how to hold and kiss him.
"It's okay Ryan. Let it out. I love you, hon." Brendon whispered, just loud enough for Ryan to hear.
Ryan choked on a sob and nodded his head. "I love you, too."
After Ryan had finished his sentence, Brendon tightened the arm he had around Ryan's waist. Ryan was unfortunately broken. The fortunate thing was that he could easily be fixed over time. Brendon was the only one who could make him feel better. Spencer was his best friend, but Brendon was his lover. The love for Spencer was completely different. Only Brendon knew what to say and what to do. He's had experience from all the times before when Ryan needed love and comfort.
"I guess-I guess that I just never wanted to-" Ryan pulled his face away for a moment. "I never wanted to admit that he could die because of it."
"Ryan, it'll be okay. I promise. I know you feel a bit broken, but this feeling will pass."
"Don't ever leave me like that, Brendon." Ryan's face was pressed against Brendon's neck. "Don't ever drink like that. Please."
Brendon nodded his head slowly. He could never go against Ryan's wishes. If Ryan wanted him to not drink, he wouldn't. It was a lot easier than most people thought. They both vowed to each other that they wouldn't do something if it was a soft spot for the other. Drinking was definitely a soft spot for Ryan after his father had died. Brendon knew that if he ever did drink like that, Ryan wouldn't be able to be fixed that time. Not by Brendon's touch or anyone. He would forever be broken and Brendon wouldn't be able to survive knowing that. That's why it was easy to keep Ryan's wish. |
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